looking on the bright side

so it's beginning to look like i won't know anything from pc before christmas.  frustrating.

in an effort to distract myself and prepare for what is beginning to feel inevitable (being rejected), i have started thinking of things i will get to do if the pc rejects me.  things i've been putting off or that require a longer commitment or an investment...

• get a new cell phone.   the one i have is pratically a crank phone.
• improve some stuff around the house.  the list of possibilities is endless.
• buy yarn for some afghans.  i have a few "recipes" i'd like to try.
• plan a trip.  the GALA choral festival is happening in Denver this summer!
• make a new coin purchase.  i've been getting "the itch" lately and it'd be fun to narrow down what's next.
• look into teaching some classes at the local community college.

i need to keep thinking and add to this list...  any suggestions out there?

non-update

i called the medical office in washington today and was told that all we can do is "wait in line."  hoping they'll get to my paperwork soon.  if i have to go into christmas with this much uncertainty still, i am not going to be happy.

human

wasn't it just a short time ago that i was waxing poetic about being patient in this whole process?

well, they've had my new paperwork for almost a month now (though they promised to turn it around quickly), and i haven't heard a thing.  i keep thinking it'll be any day now... 

(maybe after writing this, i'll hear back.)

i just want to get on with my life.

how i feel

it's hard to explain how i feel. a part of me is ready to just move on and forget about the peace corps and stay with my life as it is. a part of me is just in limbo, trying not to think about it at all while i wait to hear more. a part of me still wants to go and continues to hope. and a big part of me is convinced that they are going to reject me completely.

it seems to require a lot of emotional attention, this being ready to go into the peace corps. as i've put it aside and tried not to think about it, i find myself feeling much less prepared to go live in another country in such meager conditions. it's like i have to think about it a lot and continue envisioning the parts i want in order to really be on board with it. i suppose it's natural to have doubts. and i haven't really had them yet. but it's also easy to get absorbed back into my daily life and creature comforts and security. or maybe i'm just protecting myself. but either way, it seems to take a lot of active thought to stay in the "peace corps frame of mind."  thought i haven't been giving.

on the other hand, i've talked about being ready for change and needing a new challenge and wanting to do something that contributes more to the world. so staying with my life as it is would not seem to be a good answer, no matter how easy and comfortable it is. nevertheless, i find myself thinking, eh, i could stick it out at ford for a few more years. and by then i'll be approaching 30 years, or at least even closer to retiring financially and finding something less lucrative and more fulfilling to do.

and my real fear/dilemma: if i don't go into the peace corps, what in the world will i do?

where have i been?

where have i been?

well, here and there, and a little bit of nowhere.  i've been silent since my trip to ireland, apologies.  the truth is, not much has happened, and yet a lot has.

very shortly after my last blog post, i got a letter from the peace corps.  ok, that's a little over-simplified.  as the peace corps does, i got an email saying my online status had changed.  so i went online, excited to see what that meant, and hoping like crazy that i'd see the medical approval.  what i saw was another note, telling me that an "important communication" had been sent to me.  an email to direct you to a website to direct you to a piece of mail.  they do know how to torture applicants.

i was quite surprised when i got the letter, as it stated that they outright rejected me.  i expected them to probably ask for more info or forms or doctor's notes based on whatever they needed to know more about.  (though, i confess, a part of me was vain enough to hope that maybe i'd be one of the extremely rare cases where they would accept me without asking for more info.  after all, my forms were very, very thorough and i had checked everything multiple times and i had every possible thing they could ask for.)  but that was not the case.  they were not asking for additional info.

the reason why i was rejected is not worth going into detail.  one of the forms from my doctor had a mistake on it and indicated i had a condition which i don't have.  as a rather serious condition, and with absolutely no other mention of it or explanation for it, the peace corps concluded that it was not something for which they could offer adequate care in the field.  (though why they didn't ask for more information is a concerning question to me.)

ok, so you're thinking 'how the heck were you so thorough and yet you let a misdiagnosis as serious as that get through on your application?'  it's a complicated story, again not worth getting into.  but the short version is that i thought it was part of some technical diagnosis scale that doctors understood and i didn't need to.  ha!

luckily there is an appeal process for these decisions (though you only get one chance and their decision is final).  so... i had to submit 8 more pages of medical forms and backup to challenge my rejection.  make that 84 pages total now -- for medical alone.

although the misdiagnosis is clear, and i have letters from two health care providers refuting it (including the original one admitting she made a mistake), i am still inexplicably nervous about it.

maybe not exactly 'inexplicably'.  there are several reasons for my nerves over the issue.  first, now that i've been rejected once, i don't have much faith that they will judge with reason and take my doctor's word for it (even though it was my doctor from whom the original thing came).  kind of like you can't un-ring a bell.  second, i am quite disconcerted by the fact that they simply rejected me without any chance for further explanation or opportunity to answer their questions/clarify the information.  this means that any possible thing in my files that raises a question could end up with an automatic rejection.  wth?  third, although this appeal could get me over the hump of the misdiagnosis, there are still other potential concerns in my file that could cause a deferment or rejection.  winning the appeal only means that they will continue considering my application, from wherever they stopped.  fourth, the whole thing has me feeling very pessimistic about my chances.

as you can imagine, i've gone through a range of emotions on this.  at this point i'm mostly just not thinking about it and trying to pretend that i won't be going, to prepare for what feels inevitable.  if they could reject me for that, for what wouldn't they reject me?  i know it's silly, but it's hard not to take it personally, as if they don't want me to serve. 

so the letter had the name of a screening nurse that i could call with questions.  i called early on to explain and let her know of my intent to appeal.  i also tried to see if i could get any idea from her how big a deal any other issues might be (and to try to sneak in some reassurance/explanation on anything she might wonder about).  naturally, it's the peace corps, so there are multiple levels to everything.  this "screening nurse" doesn't actually have or review my files, it's just her name on the letter.  someone else does it, so i was not able to make any personal contact to try to help my case.  i can't help but wonder why i had to contact someone who doesn't know much of anything about my case, yet seemed to have power over it.  except that it's peace corps.

anyhow, i've confirmed that they've gotten the new paperwork within the deadline to make an appeal, and the screening nurse has confirmed that the person reviewing my file is swamped with work and "it could be a while".  what i haven't confirmed -- but believe and hope is allowed -- is whether i can make another appeal if they reject me for a different reason.

i'm not sure whether it will help or hurt, but in the new papers i submitted, i put a little handwritten note asking them to "please, please" ask me if there were any questions or concerns and not just reject me.

as usual, time will tell.

dry stone walls

(i've been trying to write this for a long time now, begun while i was in ireland and still not satisfactory.  but better something than nothing, right?)

in ireland, particularly in the west, there are stone walls everywhere.  they are markers of the countryside, dividing fields and sometimes almost seeming to create mazes. 

in addition to looking surprisingly beautiful – almost poetic – the walls themselves are quite interesting.  for one thing, you can sort of see through them.  these are “dry stone walls,”  made by stacking larger stones on top of each other without using mortar or any type of “glue” to bind them.  in fact, no smaller stones are even used to fill in the spaces so that the wind can go through the walls.

in a poetry reading while i was there, a woman spoke of writing poems like building these walls.  it was quite good, and really got me thinking about them.  as we drove past them for the next few days, i continued thinking about it.

the walls are ubiquitous, and beautiful.  i can’t help but be charmed by them, no matter how many i have already seen or continue to see.  they are geometric, and not.  they are definitely organized, but also organic.  they look at once old and ageless.  they add depth and texture to every landscape.  i can’t quite explain it, they have just captivated me.

these walls are made by hand, carefully crafted piece-by-piece with local stones.  i don’t know how it’s done – they look sturdy, but the engineer in me says they should be tenuous.  it’s a lot like life:

• the stones to make the walls were dug up by hand from the fields, which served a dual purpose – clearing the field for farming and providing the materials to pen the animals.  may we find and use our natural resources in such beneficial ways.
• the walls were built by craftsmen, choosing stones carefully and using tools in order to fit them into a solid structure, without the benefit of mortar to add strength.  the walls took a long time to build, but the builders had plenty of time on their hands, so they didn’t have to rush it.  may we build our own cores this way, without artificial strengtheners, and patiently, piece-by-piece, building for stability.
• many of the walls were built 150 years ago, yet are still fully in place today.  may the strength we build into ourselves also be long-lasting.
• the structures are resilient, letting the wind blow through rather than always fighting it.  may we also let foul winds blow through without being displaced.
• many were built as a sort of public works project to relieve people during the famine.  may we similarly allow ourselves to help and support those who need us.
• the walls allow vines and flowers to flourish on them, which simultaneously helps bind the stones more securely together.  they are also homes for small animals and other critters.  may we find beauty with which to decorate our frames and share it gladly with others.
• they are flexible, acting not just as boundaries, but as gates.  the original walls had no gates.  when animals needed to be moved, a portion of the wall was simply dismantled and rebuilt.  may we know when and how to adjust ourselves while still maintaining our integrity.
• the stone walls are distinctive -- common, and yet each one is unique.  while categorized together by function, each and every one has its own beauty, its own setting, and its own personality.  may we similarly distinguish ourselves even though we all come from the same ground.

news... maybe?

i got an email from PC this morning advising me that my status had changed online. 

when i log in to their site, there is a list of different steps that need to be satisfied -- medical forms, physical exam, dental approval, medical approval, legal approval, placement approval.  so far everything was checked off as good, with only the hold on medical approval while they reviewed my documents.  so it had to be news on medical...  i was nervous and excited as i logged on.

well there is still a hold on medical (meaning they are still reviewing it), but now there is also a message that says this:
"Peace Corps sent you an important letter regarding the status of your application on October 4, 2011. Please review the contents of the letter and contact the Peace Corps if you have questions."

i'm trying not to jump to any conclusions.  indeed, i can't -- i have no idea what it is.  it could be simply a request for more information, which i imagine is most likely, or it could be a deferral or even a rejection.  all i know for sure is that now i have to wait for it to show up in the mail.

news, kind of

so i got an email a week ago from the peace corps.  it was an automatic message to let me know that my status had changed online.  i went in to look, and it said my medical forms are now officially being reviewed.  yahoo!

i'm clear on 4 out of 5 categories, with just medical left – and that's in process!  i haven't heard anything from them requesting additional information, which is good.  i just hope i hear something soon-ish.  the placement specialist told me that the new positions will become available in October and i should hear then – pending medical acceptance – where i'll be going and when.  october is just 2 days away, so i will hopefully know more in the next 30 days (and probably sooner)!

now i'm dying to find out which country i'll be headed to so that i can start doing reading and research!

packing, the punchline

so as it turns out, i had way more stuff than i needed for the trip.  didn't touch a single short-sleeved shirt except to sleep in (and i had a bunch packed), and since i could do laundry at Sarah's, i was pretty much all set with just a little bit of clothing.

it was chilly and rainy nearly the whole time, so i was very glad to have my jacket and heavier long-sleeved shirts with me, though i didn't use my sweatshirt much.  didn't touch the windbreaker and didn't read any of the books i brought with me or do the crossword/sudoku books i also brought.  all-in-all i could have probably gotten away with almost half of what i packed.  wow.

i've posted a bunch of pictures on facebook of the trip, in case you are interested.  lots of stories, history and details along with them too.  you can find me under Lori Hart (username: loriahart) if you want to see them.

packing

as i was packing for the trip to ireland, i was thinking about packing differently.  i packed much lighter than i have in the past – and that’s saying something because i am usually a pretty good packer (meaning i don’t take extra junk and am pretty efficient).  this time, i was thinking about being gone about 2.5 weeks and having to take my bags around with me for part of that time.  of course i wanted no more than i absolutely needed.  but it’s what i “absolutely needed” that i re-defined.

normally, i take enough clean clothes to cover the trip, with some strategic re-use of jeans and sweatshirts, etc.  this time i started thinking like a backpack tourist.  i set a minimum number of pants and figured on reusing most shirts.  that may sound a bit disgusting, but i’ve recently read about frugal travel packing and found this to be quite a normal practice.  so this time i cut it pretty much to the bare bones, just to see how well i could do it.

this is helped by the fact that i am travelling alone, and for the latter half of the trip will not be staying with anyone who will have to worry about the condition of my clothes.  as long as i can stand it, i’ll be fine.  i’ll also being staying in a hostel where i know the other travelers will have a similar plan.  it is a bit of an experiment, which i expect to be pretty successful.  and oddly freeing.

so i’m kind of thinking peace corps early.  if i will have to live for 27 months with only what i can pack in two checked bags, i can certainly survive in europe on one small one.  it’s a fun little challenge.

and, a confession:  since i’m staying with friends for the first 9 days, i’ll be able to throw in some laundry if i need to before going on the second leg of my journey.  yeah, well, there’s nothing wrong with a safety net either.

news! BIG news!!

ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!  i'm jumping out of my skin!

i got a call from the placement specialist just now!  holy cow!  wow!  ohmygod!  so much information, so much excitement.

ok, i now have my regular placement contact, but that is the least of the news:  i am "qualified" for service, which means that i am being given a placement and, pending medical clearance, WILL BE GIVEN AN INVITATION!!

a mix of news, but as far as i'm concerned, it's all good in the long run.  i will be teaching math, and i will almost certainly be in sub-saharan africa.  (latin america is mostly only agricultural, business and health, while math and science education is almost entirely in africa.)  there are no math/science placements going out in the jan-mar timeframe, so my timing is being adjusted again – now june or later.  but the good news that comes with that is that i will know details – more-or-less exact timing and placement -- in october some time.  so i will be able to sell the house in a more reasonable fashion and get everything done as i need to.  whew, what a relief!

so i have legal and medical clearances left to get.  the legal should only be something concerning the mortgage, which i haven't gotten likely because of the email mix-up.  and i don't know for sure whether medical has asked for any further info, also because of the email mix-up.  i'll be getting contact info later today and will follow up with both at that time.

gosh, it seems like there was more.  but wow, that's quite a lot already!  i had been thinking lately about all the peace corps applicants' blogs i've been reading where they are having so much trouble being patient with the process.  perhaps i am lucky, or just used to the slow way things move here at work (because we know for *sure* it isn't any kind of innate ability for patience!), but i guess i took all the advice to heart and settled myself on everything taking a long time.  i haven't felt like things are taking any longer than promised (which is to say, the regular government pace).  guess my expectations are low enough.  but that means that whenever i do hear anything, it is a lovely surprise and seems sooner than expected.  i submitted my application at the end of january, so it's not like the process has been faster than normal.  i just haven't felt forgotten the way so many others do.  maybe that's also a difference between being 20 years old and 40-something.

anyhow, now it occurs to me that this is the big news everyone is waiting and hoping for, and i have it already!  it's a little backwards because normally medical clearance comes first, but i'm sure that will work out.  and with this much time until i go, there's plenty of time for any follow up they may want.

OH, I'M SO EXCITED!!

tag sale results

it occurred to me that i never gave an update on what happened with the tag sale.  the bottom line is that i made about $300.  not bad, eh?  we sold maybe just over half of the stuff, which is to say there is a boatload left over, even after all that selling!

there were some interesting characters that showed up throughout the day...

• the earlybirds -- ok, so the sale starts at 9am, and at 7:45 people start pulling up.  in droves.  they descended upon us although we had less than a quarter of the stuff put out.  apparently this is de rigueur for tag sales.  who knew?  ok, my mother knew, but she didn't tell me.
• the teacher -- there was one very, very sweet guy who came and bought all sorts of kids' stuff and even a white board.  he was so very nice and was doing it to prepare -- at his own expense, of course -- for the school year.  he didn't even attempt to bargain, just happily paid the prices marked.  we gave him a break on the lot, but now i wish i had asked what else he would have liked and threw it in, regardless of the price.  there was also a woman starting a preschool who bought a bunch of the toys.  these two really made me feel warm and fuzzy.  as opposed to some of the others (see last bullet point).
• barterers vs. accepters -- some people just can't be happy with paying a quarter for an item that would otherwise cost $5.  they just *have* to haggle.  this my mom did warn me about, but it still amazed me.  (and i let Shari do the haggling.)  i mean, a QUARTER?!  i felt a little used by some people.  on the other hand, you have the teacher who just never questioned anything.  i liked him better. 
• scoffers vs. those who admit i sold too low -- then there are the people who scoff at paying $1 for a $10 or $20 original-price item.  i know it's a tag sale, so you can't expect to get anything near a real price (or even an ebay price) for anything, but c'mon, *scoffing* at me?  give me a break.  on the other hand, there were at least two people who outright admitted to me that i had way underpriced items that they were happy to snatch up.  if you know me, you know that still bothers me.  not because i am greedy but because i was so far off (or scared) in pricing.  and it makes me wonder what other (potentially large) mistakes i made.
• the wine rack -- one of the interesting stories of the day was the wine rack.  nice set -- three units that attach together to wrap around a corner and hold a couple hundred bottles or so at full capacity.  so mid-sale, a couple comes up to look at it, saying they aren't interested, but that they have a friend who would be very interested.  so interested, in fact, that she would come by just to look at it.  the couple went on about how nice it was and how perfect for the friend.  a while later, a woman comes up to look at it and loves it.  says it is just perfect for them.  they are starting their own winery and would love just such a set for their showroom.  they were super-nice and really excited.  i was so happy that it was going to them.  turns out, as they're paying, that they are not the expected friend.  oops.  oh well, first-come, first-served.  late in the sale, the "friend" finally decides to show up and is not very nice or friendly at all.  even before we told her we already sold it.  very glad about the way that one went.
• the last guy -- and then there was the last guy.  we're very obviously cleaning everything up and he and his wife walk up, looking through things with not the least acknowledgement that it's about to rain and we are cleaning up.  that's ok, if they want to buy.  long story short, he looks at a $5 whiteboard with stand and asks if we'll take $1 for it.  since it is haggling, i automatically defer to Shari, who says, "i'll give it to you for $3."  he says, "what about $1?"  i don't know what she was thinking, but she agrees.  well, it turns out the guy is a class-a jerk.  he laughed at us when we wouldn't give him a $7 desk chair for $1, saying it was garbage.  (then leave, idiot!)  then he picks up two binders marked 25 cents each and wants them for 10 cents.  we just said "no."  give me back that nice teacher.

i didn't end up trying to sell any of the furniture.  couldn't be bothered to bring it up the stairs (in the case of the enormous, heavy desk that i know i don't want) and/or couldn't be sure i really wanted to get rid of it yet.  so far i haven't sold anything i'd necessarily want to keep if i was staying or if, for example, i had unlimited storage.  except my ironing board.  that may have been really dumb.  not sure what i was thinking.

i also didn't end up selling the game table or the stereo and other electronics.  part of it was the early bird problem (in that i didn't have any extra time to get more stuff), and i guess part of it goes back to the same not-sure-about-getting-rid-of-anything-permanently bit.

i have tentatively scheduled another sale (in my mind) for early octoberebay, like a silver serving tray and crystal and such (more on that in a moment).  or possibly on craig's list, like furniture, if i can deal with the logistics and effort and time of it all.

my parents have offered to come out and help with a second tag sale.  but is it really worth them driving all the way from connecticut to do it?  the gas money alone would be more than whatever i am bound to make.  (besides, then i really have to commit to doing it.)  the upside of this possibility is that they have offered to take back with them things that might better sell on ebay, as long as it fits in the car.  (oh yes you did!)  my mom being the big ebay seller and all...

a status with teeth to it

my dental records got officially approved by the peace corps!

remaining:  placement/suitability, medical, and legal.

all in, part 2

i submitted all the new forms yesterday -- updated resume, volunteering details, my transcript, the supplemental education experience form, and my CLEP results!  they updated my status online, and the next step will be to hear from the Placement Specialists in the next few weeks!  they'll determine whether my skills and suitability match their needs.  i don't know for sure whether the medical evaluation is happening in parallel or if it's on hold until the placement work is done.  but i finally feel like i'm on my way!!

spanish exam

i emailed with the placement assistant at PC again yesterday.  she indicated that the next step after submitting the additional paperwork is that a Placement Specialist will complete the final skill and suitability assessment of my application.  they may contact me for more input and then will decide whether i can continue on in the process.

i let her know my intention of taking the spanish test so that i could be considered for latin american placements and asked whether this was something i should wait to talk to the placement person about, or whether i needed to have it done asap.  just guess what her answer was. 

This would be something you need to do before they look at your file, as they won’t be able to consider you for Spanish speaking programs until you can prove that you qualify for them.  However, it is important to know that simply qualifying for these positions is not a guarantee that we will be able to place you in them.  Also, you should be aware that many of the Peace Corps Volunteers that serve in South and Central America work in local languages and not in Spanish.   if you would like to take the CLEP in order to be considered, you would need to do so relatively soon.  if you are still unsure but have an idea that you will pass, you could hold off and then discuss this further with your placement officer, but this may cause a further delay in being able to be placed in a program, so i would recommend taking it as soon as you are able if you are planning on doing so.

so… i decided to throw everything up into the wind and i took the test THIS MORNING, without further studying or prep.  of the 36 different exams that are offered, the one with the single highest score required to get credit is … yep, spanish.  you need to get 63 on a scale from 20 to 80.  even the other language exams (german and french) do not require such a high score, and all of the other subject areas require only a 50.

and this was my result:

what do you know?  despite significant trouble understanding spoken spanish and weakness in many grammar areas (and complete inability to speak it), i got a high enough score for PC and to instantly get 4 semesters of credit for college spanish.  just like that.*

now to the rest of that paperwork.

*  as if any of it was "just like that".

inactive status and other bad news...

on top of other bad things on monday, i happened to check my application status on the PC website and this is the message i got:  "your application has been withdrawn from active consideration…"

i called to find out what was going on and was told that due to budget reductions in washington… blah, blah…  i was supposed to have received an email on the first of august regarding this and was informed in no uncertain terms that it is the applicant's responsibility to make sure they receive PC emails.  how i'm supposed to know there is one so that i can be sure i received it was not something she could answer.  particularly when the error was on their part when they transposed two letters in my email address.  so she re-sent the email to me with instructions to respond right away to her (the original email only gave one week to respond, and if you didn't you became automatically inactive for consideration.)

so the email tells me that due to budget cuts, etc… the number of people being sent is reduced and i can't be placed in the timeframe they had said, so i should write back and let them know if i still wished to be considered for the future.  well of course i do!!  and here's the weird part – they now have me tentatively planned for january – march of 2012, exactly the timeframe i had hoped for.  now i am "active" again.

so not all bad news is all bad.  but wait, there's more.

today i get another email from them saying that normally the assessment for suitability is done after the medical and legal review, but because of these cuts they are now doing the suitability review first, basically to narrow the number of candidates even being considered.  not bad news in itself, but combined with their request for all of my teaching experience (which i don't really have), my final transcript and completion date for the teaching certificate (which i don't have), and a separate teaching experience/expertise form to be filled out (which i can't)… i may have a problem.  i suspect that my engineering experience doesn't count for anything anymore and only solid teaching experience will cut it.  which means i will be passed up if they have any kind of certified teachers applying.

(insert four-letter words here)

web status

the latest status on my official PC application...
the dental and medical forms are received!

all in

76.

76 is the magic number.

it only took 76 pages to fully summarize my current health, according to the pc.  that presumes, of course, that they don't ask for more info on any given topic, which is highly unlikely. 

my doctor's office has a sign that says the first form to be filled out is free, and each subsequent page is $25.  for narrative, however, it is $100 per page.  so when i showed up with my 37-page deck for her to fill out (mostly narrative, of course), i was a bit concerned.  i figured since she has always been so kind and accommodating with everything – and seemed supportive of the pc idea – that she would hopefully give me a break.  it took quite some time to get it all filled out (a couple weeks longer than what she had said it would), and i had to go back for a couple small things she had missed.  but she did give me a break, as i had hoped.  she charged me nothing to fill it all out.  (which reminds me, i need to send her a thank you card!)

although it has legitimately taken this long to get everything done – i had a mammogram follow-up and figured i might as well wait for that report before sending everything in – there is a part of me that didn't mind the delay.  you see, once i submit these forms, it's pretty much out of my hands.  from that point on it is up to the peace corps and i have no influence on how long it does or doesn't take.  the next steps as i understand them are for pc to go through all my forms and make a decision as to whether to accept, reject or defer me based on medical qualification.  if accepted, they move forward to try to find a placement that matches my skills and their needs, and i eventually get an invitation.  once the invitation comes, i have 7-10 days to accept or decline it.  and it can come as little as 6 weeks ahead of the leave date.  so, except for asking for an update of my resume somewhere along the way, after sending in my medical forms the next thing i hear from them could be a letter with a leave date in 6 weeks.  and that could take 6 months or 1 month.

(i imagine at some point they would tell me that i've been medically cleared, but i can't be sure of that.  i never did get anything in the mail officially telling me i was nominated.)

and just when I was thinking that waiting for this last report might make a slightly later departure date likely… as i re-read everything to be sure i was complete before sending, i noticed a part where the instructions said that forms will be processed not in the order in which they are received but in the order of the proposed departure date.  in other words, it's possible they will put mine up higher on the list because of this mythical october departure date.  eek.

so sending in these medical forms is sort of the last time i have control in the situation until it all takes off at light speed – or molasses speed, depending.  as much of a hurry as i was in at first to get the forms done and submitted, i am now comfortable with a little lag.  but i'm not trying to sabotage anything.  so i'm off to the post office.

and i'm "all in."  kinda literally.

The Great Tag Sale Event

ya wanna buya watch?  my sister and i used to mimic that line from sesame street, pretending to open a trench coat and look around like a black market dealer on the street corner.  ok, how about some legos?  surely you need a little bunch of mangled fake flowers for… something?

tag sale, yard sale, garage sale, whatever you may call it… there is a big one coming!

it is truly astounding how much stuff one can fit into a single house.  and how much can be accumulated in 21 years.  thanks to help from Kate, i have made a large dent in the mess in the basement.  let me rephrase that:  only because of Kate have we made progress in the basement.  i now have a garage full of stuff to sell in the subdivision yard sale in a couple weeks.  of course it's not organized or priced yet, but it's moving along. 

my rule is that once it gets to the garage, it never comes back in the house.  either i will sell it in the tag sale or it will be craig's-listed or donated.  i know there will be a second tag sale, both to get rid of stuff that didn't sell the first time and to allow me to get rid of stuff i haven't gotten to in the house yet.  there's a good chance i will be disappointed with the results of this first one, since i'm imagining everything gone and that's not very reasonable.  so there's a very good chance that if you show up at my house at the end of the day on august 6^th, i will be giving away tons of stuff.  just saying...

as before, i'm of two minds on this whole thing.  most of me wants to get rid of as much as possible.  this is completely contrary to how i've been my whole life, since i am a bit of a, shall we say, collector.  but there's a small part of me that fears i'm jumping a little fast and being a little bit extreme about the desire to simplify and get rid of everything.  what if i don't get accepted?  should i be keeping and storing some of these things rather than getting rid of them?  will i regret letting some of it go?

for example, there's an entertainment center and tv downstairs, along with couches, coffee & end tables, a vcr, a baker's rack and small phone table, etc.  and of course the game table and dart board.  except for the couches (long story) i could get rid of all of these things.  should i?  it'd be good if i may actually be leaving in october (still hard to believe that is feasible).  but it definitely would wipe out that area of the basement.  one area alone is not such a big deal, but when you add to it getting rid of stuff throughout the house, it starts to add up.

do i take advantage of the hoped-for draw of a subdivision's collective yard sale and throw it all out there?  or do i get rid of the stuff i truly don't need even if i were to stay and worry about the rest later, at a lesser and last-minute tag sale?  or somewhere in between?

it should be noted here that my mother is a tag sale/flea market/resale/consignment shop expert.  one would think that'd come in handy at a time like this, but… no.  she insists on living over 700 miles away.  which brings me to my backup plan:  everything gets stuffed into a ginormous truck and sent to her house for her to deal with it.  hey, it's better than the other plan that was proposed – burning everything in a large bonfire.

as politics make strange bedfellows, so it turns out does lori going to the peace corps.  as we were going through stuff last week, Kate had to keep reminding me that there were some things i should keep.  a problem, i assure you, i have NEVER had before.  "but why?" i found myself asking, "i'm only going to use them."

100 degrees

a few days ago it was 100 degrees here.  and we've had well over 20 days straight of 90+ degree heat.  (can't remember how many they said on the news, could have been 30-something.)  and it occurred to me that, whether i get sent to africa or latin america, this could be something i'll need to get used to.  eek.

haven't been very active on the blog lately.  i'll get back with updates soon.

overwhelming

a couple weeks ago, when my nephew visited, i had occasion to go down to the basement, an area i've been avoiding for months.  you see, it's a royal mess.  no, an epic mess.  in fact, the best word to describe it would be "overwhelming."

it's still a disaster from last summer's water leak.  water came in through the walls and soaked one end of the basement, complete with mold.  (yuck!)  i lost a couple cabinets and everything was stacked in various places wherever it could fit.  and i've never gone and put it all back together.  plus i had too much stuff – and too much disorganization – even before that.  i even have some stuff from two moves ago. (yes, i am aware of the adage that if you haven't used it you don't need it.)

the thing is, in addition to monumental lack of motivation, i don't even know where to start.  there are so, so many stacks of things and boxes and bins and piles.  it seems an impossible task and i'm scared of the whole thing.

plus there's the equally disorganized (though slightly less cluttered) office to go through.

i know i have to eliminate, eliminate, eliminate (and organize).  i want less stuff, and particularly less junk, but i am the queen of keeping things.  for the sake of not embarrassing myself too horribly here, i will refrain from giving examples.  but combine sentimental with lazy and you can begin to imagine the problem.

am i really going to get rid of everything?  well i'd like to get as close as possible, but in reality i keep vacillating between "get rid of it ALL" and "well, i should keep this and this and this."  i know i'll need to have a storage unit, and there are things i really like and/or would have a tough time (or a lot of expense) replacing, not to mention things of personal value.  but if i aim to live out of two suitcases for 27 months, then i can certainly do without 90% of what i have in my house.  right? 

my plan is to start going through stuff and begin to separate "keep" and "get rid of."  but things are such a mess i don't even have a clean space to start sorting stuff, never mind separating into keep-store, keep-need-access-to, try to sell, donate, give away.  i've got to start simply with just keep and get rid of, and slowly try to get rid of as much as possible.  once i start getting rid of stuff, then i can re-evaluate what i'm "keeping" to see what else i can remove.  but this could be a full-time job for months.  and it's completely overwhelming.  if only my mother, the queen of tag sales and ebay, lived nearby to help.

so i'm hoping that posting my intentions to get started here will make me go through with it when i have some days off during the july 4^th week.

in the meantime, anyone need some office supplies?

dreams

i dreamt last night of a little girl who was running away from a bully.  they were middle schoolers and both were in football uniforms.  she was tiny, but had a little bit of size on her with the pads.  when I saw her, she was running as if for her life, trying to get away from the mean boy.  he was yelling after her something about not being able to play football with them.  i wanted to go up and grab that kid and set him right.  i was very upset by it.

a short while later i ran into the girl.  she really was tiny, but had a huge spirit.  she said that whenever there was a substitute for football or band, he and this other kid would torture the girls and run them off, and nobody did anything about it.  at that point, she looked at me hopefully and offered that anyone could volunteer from two to 16 hours of their time each week to work with the kids and help out…

huh, wonder what all of that could mean.

(of course, i also dreamt a different night that i had to sing a song up on stage by myself in order to pass peace corps training.  so much for the usual naked-in-class anxiety dreams.)

languages

the peace corps goes to 28 countries in sub-saharan africa.  and there are over 2,000 languages spoken in africa.  chances are that if i end up there, i will end up needing to learn one of the very local languages that is spoken nowhere else.  and i won’t know ahead of time, so there’s nothing i can do in advance. 

funnily enough (and i say that with a hint of sarcasm), most of the countries have either english or french as one of their official languages.  sarcastic, because if they send me to francophone africa, i will be very displeased.  the unadvertised rule of peace corps placement is that for french- or spanish-speaking countries – since so many people take those in school – you must be fluent enough (or have had advanced enough classes recently enough) to be sent to a country that speaks that language.  thus my problem with getting assigned somewhere in latin america.  so if they send me to someplace in francophone africa…

don’t let that fool you, though.  it is pretty guaranteed that there won’t be english or french speaking going on.  most of the countries have two or three or even more “official” languages and hundreds of them in actual practice.

so spanish.  a week or two ago i was ready to give up.  i listened to the cds that came with my CLEP study book, and i understood very little.  CLEP is College Level Examination Program.  the exam is 40% listening and answering, where you get ONE listen, at normal speaking speed, and 60% written questions concerning grammar and vocabulary.  at least i don’t have to speak it.  nevertheless, when i look at the grammar in the book and listen to those cds, i feel overwhelmed and fairly certain i can’t do it.  sometimes it feels so pointless and impossible, and i wonder whether it’s really worth even trying.  i don’t even know if i can possibly learn enough in time.  and with the initial timing they’ve given me (leaving in october?!!?)…  plus i had been having trouble connecting with my prospective tutor and my self-study fell by the wayside for several weeks now.

i’m ok with going to africa.  i’d rather go to latin america, but i’ve gotten my arms around the idea of africa now.  so maybe this spanish thing is stupid.  when i think about how much there is to learn… i just shake my head.

but on monday, i finally hooked up with the tutor, Maria.  i like her.  in a short period of time, she assessed where i am and was productive right away.  she clearly knows what she’s doing.  she’s going to get that same CLEP book from the library (i did offer her mine to look at) and go through it to see what’s involved.  she’s going to transcribe the two cds that come with it (!) so that after i’ve listened to the passages a few times, i’ll be able to see the words and understand the audio better.  she’s totally flexible about adjusting the lessons to more listening or whatever is required (instead of focusing primarily on speaking, which of course i need but not as desperately).  she gave me a bunch of great resources to use online, including the direction to listen to as many news videos from spanish-speaking countries as i can.  there’s another website from a guy she used to work with that has videos for many cultural situations in different countries, and you can turn on or off the written text, both in spanish and in english.  there’s also a site with interactive exercises that she uses in the classes she teaches.  we’re going to meet weekly and she’s going to bring things for me to read to her and discuss.  she’ll give me homework each time, including a topic for discussion the next time so that i can look up vocabulary and be prepared, and of course i need to continue the grammar study on my own.  i was able to have a halting conversation with her which was VERY rudimentary and frequently with german words thrown in by accident, but i understood pretty much everything she said to me.  and best of all, she thinks i can do it in time!

i was quite surprised at how much work she is willing to put into this, especially on her own time.  and the assessment and interest in knowing details about the CLEP is exactly what i had hoped for.  looks like it’s going to be worth the price.  and my motivation is back.  just maybe I can do this afterall.

another tidbit:  the swearing-in ceremony, after your three months of training, requires you to give a SPEECH in your new language.  holy linguistics, batman!

paperwork

well the dental forms are all done!  that one wasn’t even bad (minus the two bits of work i had to get done). 

then there’s the medical forms.  i have a 37 page deck of paper to give to my primary care physician.  how do you think she’s going to feel about that?  now about half of those pages are explanations or backup info to help her fill out the forms.  but i’m afraid to even give it to her.  maybe i should hide it behind my back and first tell her that i’m having an awful anxiety attack, then show her why.

why oh why did i ever admit to half the stuff i did?  oh yeah, full disclosure and honesty.  but filling out a two page form because i have shoe inserts?  and are shoe inserts technically orthotics?  they cost me enough (not covered by insurance) to count as something, i suppose.

gotta get the vision form filled out.  i hope they have all the right info from my exam and don’t have to do something additional.

then there’s another smaller packet of forms i had to send off to a specialist.  hopefully that won’t take too much hoop-jumping.

oh, but there’s still the big rub:  sleep issues.  among all those forms, they didn’t send me anything concerning sleep conditions.  but i know i’ll have a bunch more paperwork when that gets revealed.  or at least i hope i do, because the alternative is ugly.  they don’t like people with sleep apnea.  it’s considered a condition for which most people are disqualified from service.  and having a CPAP makes placement even more difficult, if not impossible.  (after all, how many places with reliable, consistent electricity actually need the peace corps?)  so i somehow have to convince them that i don’t need the CPAP and that the apnea does not interfere with my life, which may be medically impossible to get by.  (the ultimate irony is that the CPAP doesn’t even help!  and none of my sleep problems have been resolved.)  one saving grace is that i have an appointment with a sleep neurologist, so when they finally send me forms, i can get a specialist to fill it out.  maybe i only need to convince that doctor that i don’t need the CPAP for peace corps purposes.  that appointment, however, which i made about a month ago, isn’t until august 30^th.  i guess they figure that if you have to wait over 3 months to get in to see the doctor, you will have slept sooner or later along the way.

the next official step -- medical

we've now arrived at the next official step – and the longest part – of the peace corps application process:  the medical review.

i got a huge packet in the mail the other day, filled with forms and instructions.  the application had a set of initial medical screening questions which drove a bunch of other forms being required.  in addition to the regular 5-page form that requires all manner of clinical exams, blood tests, immunizations, hearing tests, vision tests, family history, health inventory, lab tests, mammogram, general physical measures, etc., i now have an ADDITIONAL 26 pages to have processed!  they also want 4 additional specialist exams and a couple detailed personal statements.

ugh.

i was stupid enough to take them literally when they said to be totally honest and up front about any issues you may have.  for example, i checked the box that asked about issues with kneeling, squatting or sitting cross-legged for periods of time.  hello?  i'm 42.  i played sports for years.  point to anyone like that who *doesn't* have knee pain when squatting.  now they want a formal diagnosis, severity and treatment plan for "kneeling, squatting or sitting cross-legged causes shortness of breath and leg, joint, muscle or chest pain."  wait, there's no shortness of breath or chest pain or anything like that at all.  should i have answered that question differently?

they want to know every last detail about environmental allergens.  isn't everybody allergic in some way, shape or form to dust or mold or pollen or grasses or animal dander?  or heartburn – they want a "report of imaging studies (upper GI, ultrasound, abdominal CT, colonoscopy, or any other imaging studies used to make diagnosis) … CBC, TSH, sedimentation rate … detailed personal statement about symptom management."  i wear shoe inserts that i got made specifically for my feet by a doctor, so now i need forms filled out by an orthopedist or podiatrist for my "orthotics," including the etiology (cause) – bad feet maybe? – and the name, care and restrictions of the orthotic "device," as well as copies of pertinent diagnostic test reports.

some of this stuff is from many, many years ago.  i made the mistake of admitting to having a minor arthroscopic knee surgery 13 years ago.  now they want detailed diagnosis, etiology, diagnostic test results and operative reports.  just one problem:  i had the surgery in germany.  in german.  even if i could remember the name of the doctor/practice where it was done (i can't), what's the likelihood of them having the detailed records and sending them to me?  and then, who exactly is going to translate messy doctor's abbreviations for medical terms into something coherent in english?  all i know is they "cleaned it up inside."  i never could get any better explanation than that.

and you can hardly imagine the paperwork and details needed for having depression.

wanna take bets on how much my doctor will charge to fill out that much paperwork?  stay tuned for dental adventures (4 pages of documents plus full mouth/panoramic x-rays required), and don't even ask about the eye exam and glasses (to the tune of $690)!

weekend with my nephew

i had my nephew, Alec, visiting last weekend.  we had a blast!  went to a tigers vs. red sox game (which of course he loved because his beloved red sox won), the zoo, a mud hens game, the arboretum, etc.  i had even more planned, but once he discovered all the games in the basement (and the willingness of my other house guests to play with him), that's mostly what he wanted to do above all else.

i can't remember whether i mentioned the pool table or how it came up, but as soon as Alec learned there was a pool table, foosball, air hockey, ping pong and darts downstairs, he was hooked.  said he wanted to live in my basement forever.  between pool and chicken tracks, we never even got to all the board games or ping pong. 

his visit prompted a few thoughts along the way for me.  first, i started thinking "am i sure i want to leave all this?"  all this opportunity to host people, and i hardly have anyone over.  if i ever want to in my future life (presumably without so much "stuff"), i might look back on these past years as wasting the chance to really have folks over and play.  i've accomplished and accumulated a lot over the years.  so much of it i probably wouldn't buy, now in a different kind of mindset.  will i miss this part of my life when everything changes?

i also had to think, of course, about all the "stuff."  conspicuous consumption, one could say.  i was never much of a spender.  i've saved money from my very first paycheck and i don't buy a lot of "things."  i don't spend much money on myself at all, but in the course of 20-plus years, i have accumulated some stuff.  like the pool table and air hockey/foosball table and the library shelves upstairs that are so beautiful and that i always wanted.  now it seems to add up to a lot.  i vacillate between selling it all, down to nothing, and keeping some of it, with "some" being a constantly changing variable.  i don't know that i'll ever get to this level of stuff again, for a variety of reasons.  i've had it, but don't really need it.  i expect to get down to living much more simply and staying that way, at least mostly.  and i don't expect i'll ever have as much discretionary income again once i leave this job.  that's certainly not a bad thing, but it gives me a real mixture of feelings as i look around and realize i have to decide what to do with each and every thing.

the other thing that came to mind with Alec's visit is the reality of moving away.  he kept saying he wanted to come back and visit and wanted to get his parents to bring him and his sister here for a visit.  i went along with it, of course.  i would love for him and them to visit, but the reality is that, unless something happens in the next couple months, that chance will have passed.  once the whole peace corps thing gets into full swing, there will be no more visits and ultimately no more house in michigan.  not only will the house and things be gone, but i will be gone.  and i don't know whether i'll be back here, or somewhere else.  it was strange to go along with his visions of visiting again when i knew it might all be different before he gets that chance.

it was a great visit and we had a blast.  he ate junk and drank soda the whole time, we played games and saw sights and hiked, and basically did whatever a 14-year-old wanted to do while he was here.  there will undoubtedly be other exciting times and visits.  just not here, in these circumstances.

habitat #6: all limbs and digits still intact

this week, i got to play on a roof and also play with a circular saw (but not ON the roof).  cool.  i called on my contact from the build i did with ford a few weeks ago and he let me (and my friend shari) come down to Monroe to work on a house being framed.  he remembered my desire to do "real work" and instantly assigned us to the roof.  egad.  so we climbed on up and nailed on roof sheeting (the big four by six foot plywood panels) for the first half of the day.  neither of us managed to lose our footing and go rolling off the roof, thank goodness.  but we were being extra careful, to be sure.  after that, Dave just casually pointed us to a circular saw and told us to cut wood to a certain dimension to go all the way around the house.  just like that.  he threw a couple other requests at us while we were sawing away, no problem trusting us at all.  and we also helped raise a porch heading.  in the end, there was sawdust in places it just should never be.

oh!  i forgot the coolest part!  one of the mottos of habitat is "simple, decent, affordable."  most homes are quite modest and plain.  this particular house, however, had a special story.  there was a contest with the local high schools for students to design a home and this was the winner!  the kid who made the winning design was there working with us that day.  (as was the future homeowner, which is also really fun.)  this house had a more interesting layout, a garage, and even a small wrap-around porch at one corner!

a little more on habitat…

habitat for humanity is organized by county (at least here in michigan).  the county i live in (washtenaw) is called Huron Valley HFH and they do mostly rebuilds.  they buy houses that have been foreclosed or are otherwise affordable – trying to focus in a particular neighborhood to create a whole neighborhood revitalization – and tear out most of the insides and rebuild.  the house we worked on last week was one of those.  we were ripping down all of the drywall and ceilings, leaving only the framing and outside walls intact.  once sufficiently torn down and cleaned up, rebuilding will start with new drywall and ceilings and go on from there.  sometimes new siding is put up outside, and sometimes if it is good, then the house will just be painted on the outside.  sometimes a new roof must be put on, sometimes flooring, but always new cabinets and finishings.  either way, what starts as a fairly dark, musty, old, broken-down house ends up being shiny and new and bright and beautiful.

one of the nearby counties, Monroe, does the opposite.  for whatever reasons (and i have heard different accounts on both sides), they find it more economical to build new houses from scratch.  (Huron Valley used to do it that way.)  that's where i had lunch with the overall construction manager, Dave, and made a contact so that i could come down and work even when there are not slots available online.  i'll probably be focusing most of my effort for the rest of the summer down in Monroe, so i can get more interesting and structural work instead of painting and yard work and cleaning. 

(to be fair, both groups have staggered starts on many houses this year, so there will be opportunities in both places at various stages of build.  unfortunately, you don't get to check the status of a given house and decide to volunteer there based on what work they'll be doing.)

habitat builds are done with nearly all volunteer labor.  signing up is generally done online, but individual volunteers are not really the norm.  prospective habitat homeowners must put in something like 300 hours of "sweat equity," in addition to paying the closing costs and mortgage for their house.  (habitat is touted as "a hand up, not a hand-out."  most people don't seem to know that the houses, once built, are assessed at fair market value and sold to the owner for that amount.  the real benefit is that the mortgage is either zero- or very low-interest, so the monthly payments are reasonable.)  the other main source of volunteer labor comes from area churches and businesses.  in fact, many times these communities will sponsor the seed money for getting the house built in the first place, as well as providing labor.  the issue for those like me that want to do individual volunteering is that many of the saturday builds are closed for the sponsoring/church/community groups working on that particular house.  in the case where the builds are open, online slots often get filled.  that is why it's so important that i've made contact with Paul in Huron Valley and Dave in Monroe.  through them, i can work on a site even if there are not spots available online.  thus, i can work every weekend, as well as get meaningful work to do while i am there.

step by step

so my health plan has sent me a pedometer to use.  not so much as a nice gift as much as a requirement.  since i am overweight (and over a certain body mass index), i was given the choice of either joining weight watchers or starting a walking program.  otherwise, my copays and expenses will go up, probably drastically.  so i'm walking now.

i like sport.  exercise, not so much.  i used to say i would only run if there was a ball involved or if someone was chasing me.  except now i am too out-of-shape and injured to play team sports like i used to.  shoulder, elbow, back, knees, foot/ankle, the list goes on…  so now i must exercise.  and there's no doubt that i need it.  i just still don't like it.

not that walking is such a huge burden.  it's just a matter of making myself carve out the time and motivation to do it.  which is where the health plan is so brilliant.  they aim for the wallet.  you've got to do it to keep the better level of benefits, so you kinda gotta do it.

the pedometer program is pretty slick.  it's actually a fairly decent one – does a good job of picking up steps and is difficult to fool into counting things that aren't steps.  (you knew i'd have to figure that out, just to see what was possible.)  it's set up with an online program, where you upload your steps periodically and it keeps track of what you've done each day and over time.  it counts steps, miles, calories burned, time & distance at aerobic pace.  you also get a ton of "inspiring" emails and other online gadgets to motivate, train, and otherwise con yourself into doing better.  i have to average over 5,000 steps a day, which isn't that much, but with a sedentary desk job is enough that it means i must specifically go for intentional walks.  and me being me, a light, casual walk is kind of a waste of time (unless in a beautiful setting, which i am not), so i try to get through it as fast as i can.

mostly i've walked in the steam tunnels here at work.  there have been a few nice days when i walked outside, but it isn't exactly a walker-friendly area.  and michigan being what it is, may is still cool and very rainy.  so mostly i walk in the dregs of our tunnels.  i always walk at work because i know as soon as i get home there's no way i'm going to do anything that motivated.  hey, at least i know myself.  besides, any time away from my desk that brings me closer to quitting time is a good thing.

but here's the thing about it – it kind of works!  not that i'm losing any weight or anything yet, but i'm managing to stick with it (weekends are actually harder).  more than that, the flimsy little see-through psychological game works on me.  now that it is being counted somewhere, every step matters and gets me some kind of credit.  so, despite my ongoing knee pain, when i accidentally walk the wrong way as i go somewhere, i don't even mind:  it still counts for something!  how pathetic is that?

as much as i need to lose weight, though, the real thing is health.  and this plays into the peace corps thing too.  i have to be in some kind of shape before being dumped in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a bike to get around large rough areas.  i worry more and more these days about the sometimes-quite-inhibiting knee pain, but i figure the more walking i do (and possible weight i lose), the better that will become.  and it is better for my overall health long-term of course.

so let's see – walking, chorus, habitat, crocheting, spanish, oh, and work.  that should keep me off the streets.