it's hard to explain how i feel. a part of me is ready to just move on and forget about the peace corps and stay with my life as it is. a part of me is just in limbo, trying not to think about it at all while i wait to hear more. a part of me still wants to go and continues to hope. and a big part of me is convinced that they are going to reject me completely.
it seems to require a lot of emotional attention, this being ready to go into the peace corps. as i've put it aside and tried not to think about it, i find myself feeling much less prepared to go live in another country in such meager conditions. it's like i have to think about it a lot and continue envisioning the parts i want in order to really be on board with it. i suppose it's natural to have doubts. and i haven't really had them yet. but it's also easy to get absorbed back into my daily life and creature comforts and security. or maybe i'm just protecting myself. but either way, it seems to take a lot of active thought to stay in the "peace corps frame of mind." thought i haven't been giving.
on the other hand, i've talked about being ready for change and needing a new challenge and wanting to do something that contributes more to the world. so staying with my life as it is would not seem to be a good answer, no matter how easy and comfortable it is. nevertheless, i find myself thinking, eh, i could stick it out at ford for a few more years. and by then i'll be approaching 30 years, or at least even closer to retiring financially and finding something less lucrative and more fulfilling to do.
and my real fear/dilemma: if i don't go into the peace corps, what in the world will i do?
No comments:
Post a Comment