that's that, then

well, i decided not to pursue the final appeal with the peace corps.  as time went on, and after getting used to the rejections, i found myself hoping they would say "no" and afraid of the fact that they could possibly say "yes."  after some anxiety over that, i decided not to even try it.  i also won't be looking for any international opportunities at work.  i am ready to figure out my next steps here.

yeah, it's a loss, but -- i just can't explain it -- it feels right at this point.  maybe some day, later in life, i'll look at the peace corps again, or at any of the other similar options.  maybe i'll take a "working vacation" one of these days to help build or teach for a short-term period in a place that needs it. whatever the case, i have faith that it will all work out as it should.  and right now, i guess that didn't include the peace corps.

people have asked whether i'm sad over it.  i have tried to focus on moving forward and not on what could have been.  if i let myself really think about it, sure, i'd be sad for the missed opportunity.  but then it wasn't entirely within my hands either.  i didn't imagine myself as one of the people who might not make it.  i felt pretty sure -- as guarded as i was over the possibility of medical difficulties -- that i'd be going.  so it's a little bit of a blow, not just to my dreams, but also to my ego and sense of self.  i guess the real answer is that i don't let myself fantasize about what it could have been like anymore.  and i have a flexible-enough sense of self that i will adjust what my next directions will be.

so, i'm finally getting a new cell phone.  an iphone, no less!  it's a little weird to go from minimizing stuff and conserving finances back to "conspicuous consumption."  but my consumption has never been that terribly "conspicuous" in the general scheme of life.  i am decorating a little bit around the house and will go about making some repairs and doing some projects that i didn't have much desire for before.  i have a pile of yarn that is going to be made into an irish-fisherman-style cabled afghan.  and i am excited about going to the GALA choral festival in Denver this summer.  i'm not going to jump too quickly into any bigger earth-shattering changes quite yet. 

thank you to everyone who has supported me through this year-long adventure -- friends and strangers.  i will endeavor to keep blogging if i can come up with interesting things to say.  of course, there's no telling what that may be.