that's that, then

well, i decided not to pursue the final appeal with the peace corps.  as time went on, and after getting used to the rejections, i found myself hoping they would say "no" and afraid of the fact that they could possibly say "yes."  after some anxiety over that, i decided not to even try it.  i also won't be looking for any international opportunities at work.  i am ready to figure out my next steps here.

yeah, it's a loss, but -- i just can't explain it -- it feels right at this point.  maybe some day, later in life, i'll look at the peace corps again, or at any of the other similar options.  maybe i'll take a "working vacation" one of these days to help build or teach for a short-term period in a place that needs it. whatever the case, i have faith that it will all work out as it should.  and right now, i guess that didn't include the peace corps.

people have asked whether i'm sad over it.  i have tried to focus on moving forward and not on what could have been.  if i let myself really think about it, sure, i'd be sad for the missed opportunity.  but then it wasn't entirely within my hands either.  i didn't imagine myself as one of the people who might not make it.  i felt pretty sure -- as guarded as i was over the possibility of medical difficulties -- that i'd be going.  so it's a little bit of a blow, not just to my dreams, but also to my ego and sense of self.  i guess the real answer is that i don't let myself fantasize about what it could have been like anymore.  and i have a flexible-enough sense of self that i will adjust what my next directions will be.

so, i'm finally getting a new cell phone.  an iphone, no less!  it's a little weird to go from minimizing stuff and conserving finances back to "conspicuous consumption."  but my consumption has never been that terribly "conspicuous" in the general scheme of life.  i am decorating a little bit around the house and will go about making some repairs and doing some projects that i didn't have much desire for before.  i have a pile of yarn that is going to be made into an irish-fisherman-style cabled afghan.  and i am excited about going to the GALA choral festival in Denver this summer.  i'm not going to jump too quickly into any bigger earth-shattering changes quite yet. 

thank you to everyone who has supported me through this year-long adventure -- friends and strangers.  i will endeavor to keep blogging if i can come up with interesting things to say.  of course, there's no telling what that may be.

leaning

i got asked at work yesterday whether i wanted to apply for a position in turkey.  remember way back when, i checked most of the boxes on the form when the bosses asked whether we'd be interested in foreign service?  this particular one wasn't in my area of knowledge, but i found out from my boss that there is another one that is right up my alley.

that, and i still have the final appeal with the peace corps.

and here's where the bombshell falls:  i am very seriously leaning toward staying home and finding my next adventures here.

yeah, i didn't expect to hear myself say that either.  and i imagine it would seem like giving up.  but it's starting to feel right at this point.

i've thought a lot about fate (God's will, divine providence, destiny, etc.).  if it's meant to be, it will be.  and i believe that.  so if i wasn't meant to go into the peace corps, then this final appeal will result in another rejection.  but if i was... well, i have to be prepared for that possibility if i go through with the appeal.  and i don't think i am anymore.  i mean, aren't two rejections enough to give me the message?

the truth is, i've gotten used to the idea of NOT going.  i still want to make a bigger difference and i would love to experience a new culture, but as time goes on, it feels more and more like this is not the right time for it.  i am excited about some projects i want to do around the house.  i don't even mind work that much right now.  i like the idea of trying to teach math at the community college.  i don't know -- is it giving up?

anyway, i did say "no" to applying for the turkey assignment.

clever by half

(but you can count on me for dry humor.)

clever

my sister is a writer.  she recently started her own blog, and she writes such clever things.  every entry is interesting and humorous and seems to have a good punchline at the end.

not so much here.

one last shot

i finally heard from the pc, after over two more months of waiting.  they re-rejected me.

i don't know whether the person who rejected me in the first place just didn't believe that the paperwork was an error, or if she/he just really believes i am unqualified to serve.  either way, i have to strenuously disagree.

so i got a call from my screening nurse on friday, the only contact i have during all of this mess.  i was expecting the good old email-to-inform-of-online-to-inform-of-letter-to-actually-inform routine, so i was happy to get a personal call.  not so happy to hear the outcome, which still seems a little surreal.  or maybe what's surreal is the fact that i'm taking it all with little emotion.

the screening nurse told me that there is one more possible step, if i decide to pursue it.  (if i decide to pursue it?  do i have anything to lose?)  that is a review in front of a board of doctors and nurses where the person who rejected me presents their case and my screening nurse presents her case.  then they are out of the picture and the board decides.  an absolutely final decision.

on the positive side, i did not know that the screening nurse was "on my side" until this phone call.  i knew someone else was doing the deciding on specific medical issues, but i didn't know she was my advocate (if that's what she is).  no matter, after this phone call, i feel like she is my ally and the person who can help me most, instead of just being boredly uninvested.

she indicated that there was a rating on my forms that, nearly a year old now, was not as high as they would like to see.  i asked whether an updated one would help make my case.  she "couldn't say that it would," but welcomed me to submit one.  i can't see how it would hurt.  thus begins the process of finding a different specialist who is willing to get to know me and my case very quickly and give a rating for something that is supposed to be developed over time.  ugh.

enter my "sleep shrink."  (don't ask, it's a long and strange story.)  it appears that not only can she help me (though it is beyond her technical role), but that she will do so almost immediately!  i love her!

soon i'll be writing a letter to my screening nurse to try to give her all the info and "warm fuzzies" and character she will need to support and argue my case.  added with this new, current assessment for the items in question, i hope the pc will have enough to make their decision.

yeah, i mentioned "character."  several of my friends and family members have said, "if they just knew you, they'd know what a great resource they would be passing up."  so i want to somehow capture in my letter not only the facts that the nurse will need to present my case as positively as possible, not only the reassurance that she should believe in me and does want to back me as best she can, but also some feel for the fact that i will make a terrific candidate and can deal with any challenges even better than your average person.

and if that doesn't work, the only other option concerning the peace corps is to wait a year and re-apply.  i must say that at this point in my life, while i am willing to turn everything upside down for this opportunity, i don't envision myself re-applying in a year.  maybe some day.  but not that quickly.