clever

my sister is a writer.  she recently started her own blog, and she writes such clever things.  every entry is interesting and humorous and seems to have a good punchline at the end.

not so much here.

one last shot

i finally heard from the pc, after over two more months of waiting.  they re-rejected me.

i don't know whether the person who rejected me in the first place just didn't believe that the paperwork was an error, or if she/he just really believes i am unqualified to serve.  either way, i have to strenuously disagree.

so i got a call from my screening nurse on friday, the only contact i have during all of this mess.  i was expecting the good old email-to-inform-of-online-to-inform-of-letter-to-actually-inform routine, so i was happy to get a personal call.  not so happy to hear the outcome, which still seems a little surreal.  or maybe what's surreal is the fact that i'm taking it all with little emotion.

the screening nurse told me that there is one more possible step, if i decide to pursue it.  (if i decide to pursue it?  do i have anything to lose?)  that is a review in front of a board of doctors and nurses where the person who rejected me presents their case and my screening nurse presents her case.  then they are out of the picture and the board decides.  an absolutely final decision.

on the positive side, i did not know that the screening nurse was "on my side" until this phone call.  i knew someone else was doing the deciding on specific medical issues, but i didn't know she was my advocate (if that's what she is).  no matter, after this phone call, i feel like she is my ally and the person who can help me most, instead of just being boredly uninvested.

she indicated that there was a rating on my forms that, nearly a year old now, was not as high as they would like to see.  i asked whether an updated one would help make my case.  she "couldn't say that it would," but welcomed me to submit one.  i can't see how it would hurt.  thus begins the process of finding a different specialist who is willing to get to know me and my case very quickly and give a rating for something that is supposed to be developed over time.  ugh.

enter my "sleep shrink."  (don't ask, it's a long and strange story.)  it appears that not only can she help me (though it is beyond her technical role), but that she will do so almost immediately!  i love her!

soon i'll be writing a letter to my screening nurse to try to give her all the info and "warm fuzzies" and character she will need to support and argue my case.  added with this new, current assessment for the items in question, i hope the pc will have enough to make their decision.

yeah, i mentioned "character."  several of my friends and family members have said, "if they just knew you, they'd know what a great resource they would be passing up."  so i want to somehow capture in my letter not only the facts that the nurse will need to present my case as positively as possible, not only the reassurance that she should believe in me and does want to back me as best she can, but also some feel for the fact that i will make a terrific candidate and can deal with any challenges even better than your average person.

and if that doesn't work, the only other option concerning the peace corps is to wait a year and re-apply.  i must say that at this point in my life, while i am willing to turn everything upside down for this opportunity, i don't envision myself re-applying in a year.  maybe some day.  but not that quickly.

looking on the bright side

so it's beginning to look like i won't know anything from pc before christmas.  frustrating.

in an effort to distract myself and prepare for what is beginning to feel inevitable (being rejected), i have started thinking of things i will get to do if the pc rejects me.  things i've been putting off or that require a longer commitment or an investment...

• get a new cell phone.   the one i have is pratically a crank phone.
• improve some stuff around the house.  the list of possibilities is endless.
• buy yarn for some afghans.  i have a few "recipes" i'd like to try.
• plan a trip.  the GALA choral festival is happening in Denver this summer!
• make a new coin purchase.  i've been getting "the itch" lately and it'd be fun to narrow down what's next.
• look into teaching some classes at the local community college.

i need to keep thinking and add to this list...  any suggestions out there?

non-update

i called the medical office in washington today and was told that all we can do is "wait in line."  hoping they'll get to my paperwork soon.  if i have to go into christmas with this much uncertainty still, i am not going to be happy.

human

wasn't it just a short time ago that i was waxing poetic about being patient in this whole process?

well, they've had my new paperwork for almost a month now (though they promised to turn it around quickly), and i haven't heard a thing.  i keep thinking it'll be any day now... 

(maybe after writing this, i'll hear back.)

i just want to get on with my life.

how i feel

it's hard to explain how i feel. a part of me is ready to just move on and forget about the peace corps and stay with my life as it is. a part of me is just in limbo, trying not to think about it at all while i wait to hear more. a part of me still wants to go and continues to hope. and a big part of me is convinced that they are going to reject me completely.

it seems to require a lot of emotional attention, this being ready to go into the peace corps. as i've put it aside and tried not to think about it, i find myself feeling much less prepared to go live in another country in such meager conditions. it's like i have to think about it a lot and continue envisioning the parts i want in order to really be on board with it. i suppose it's natural to have doubts. and i haven't really had them yet. but it's also easy to get absorbed back into my daily life and creature comforts and security. or maybe i'm just protecting myself. but either way, it seems to take a lot of active thought to stay in the "peace corps frame of mind."  thought i haven't been giving.

on the other hand, i've talked about being ready for change and needing a new challenge and wanting to do something that contributes more to the world. so staying with my life as it is would not seem to be a good answer, no matter how easy and comfortable it is. nevertheless, i find myself thinking, eh, i could stick it out at ford for a few more years. and by then i'll be approaching 30 years, or at least even closer to retiring financially and finding something less lucrative and more fulfilling to do.

and my real fear/dilemma: if i don't go into the peace corps, what in the world will i do?

where have i been?

where have i been?

well, here and there, and a little bit of nowhere.  i've been silent since my trip to ireland, apologies.  the truth is, not much has happened, and yet a lot has.

very shortly after my last blog post, i got a letter from the peace corps.  ok, that's a little over-simplified.  as the peace corps does, i got an email saying my online status had changed.  so i went online, excited to see what that meant, and hoping like crazy that i'd see the medical approval.  what i saw was another note, telling me that an "important communication" had been sent to me.  an email to direct you to a website to direct you to a piece of mail.  they do know how to torture applicants.

i was quite surprised when i got the letter, as it stated that they outright rejected me.  i expected them to probably ask for more info or forms or doctor's notes based on whatever they needed to know more about.  (though, i confess, a part of me was vain enough to hope that maybe i'd be one of the extremely rare cases where they would accept me without asking for more info.  after all, my forms were very, very thorough and i had checked everything multiple times and i had every possible thing they could ask for.)  but that was not the case.  they were not asking for additional info.

the reason why i was rejected is not worth going into detail.  one of the forms from my doctor had a mistake on it and indicated i had a condition which i don't have.  as a rather serious condition, and with absolutely no other mention of it or explanation for it, the peace corps concluded that it was not something for which they could offer adequate care in the field.  (though why they didn't ask for more information is a concerning question to me.)

ok, so you're thinking 'how the heck were you so thorough and yet you let a misdiagnosis as serious as that get through on your application?'  it's a complicated story, again not worth getting into.  but the short version is that i thought it was part of some technical diagnosis scale that doctors understood and i didn't need to.  ha!

luckily there is an appeal process for these decisions (though you only get one chance and their decision is final).  so... i had to submit 8 more pages of medical forms and backup to challenge my rejection.  make that 84 pages total now -- for medical alone.

although the misdiagnosis is clear, and i have letters from two health care providers refuting it (including the original one admitting she made a mistake), i am still inexplicably nervous about it.

maybe not exactly 'inexplicably'.  there are several reasons for my nerves over the issue.  first, now that i've been rejected once, i don't have much faith that they will judge with reason and take my doctor's word for it (even though it was my doctor from whom the original thing came).  kind of like you can't un-ring a bell.  second, i am quite disconcerted by the fact that they simply rejected me without any chance for further explanation or opportunity to answer their questions/clarify the information.  this means that any possible thing in my files that raises a question could end up with an automatic rejection.  wth?  third, although this appeal could get me over the hump of the misdiagnosis, there are still other potential concerns in my file that could cause a deferment or rejection.  winning the appeal only means that they will continue considering my application, from wherever they stopped.  fourth, the whole thing has me feeling very pessimistic about my chances.

as you can imagine, i've gone through a range of emotions on this.  at this point i'm mostly just not thinking about it and trying to pretend that i won't be going, to prepare for what feels inevitable.  if they could reject me for that, for what wouldn't they reject me?  i know it's silly, but it's hard not to take it personally, as if they don't want me to serve. 

so the letter had the name of a screening nurse that i could call with questions.  i called early on to explain and let her know of my intent to appeal.  i also tried to see if i could get any idea from her how big a deal any other issues might be (and to try to sneak in some reassurance/explanation on anything she might wonder about).  naturally, it's the peace corps, so there are multiple levels to everything.  this "screening nurse" doesn't actually have or review my files, it's just her name on the letter.  someone else does it, so i was not able to make any personal contact to try to help my case.  i can't help but wonder why i had to contact someone who doesn't know much of anything about my case, yet seemed to have power over it.  except that it's peace corps.

anyhow, i've confirmed that they've gotten the new paperwork within the deadline to make an appeal, and the screening nurse has confirmed that the person reviewing my file is swamped with work and "it could be a while".  what i haven't confirmed -- but believe and hope is allowed -- is whether i can make another appeal if they reject me for a different reason.

i'm not sure whether it will help or hurt, but in the new papers i submitted, i put a little handwritten note asking them to "please, please" ask me if there were any questions or concerns and not just reject me.

as usual, time will tell.