being in limbo is a bit strange. i don't know exactly what will happen, or when. whether i'll be accepted, when i'll know more, what my departure timeline will be… it's all completely out there in the ether. and the strangeness of it shows up in funny ways. i really need some new pants for work, but how much longer will i be working here? should i just "make do" at least until i have the interview and hopefully have a better idea of what's going on? and what kind of clothes will i need to have for whatever peace corps job i get anyway? i definitely need new jeans – that i don't think i can put off. but it is reasonable to expect that when/if i go, i will lose some weight. i mean, i'll be eating healthier foods for sure (fresh vegetables, no fast food) and probably be a whole lot more physically active. so do i buy one pair of jeans and hold off on any others until i know more? my cell phone is really old and out-of-date. it's even still a "dumb" phone. but there's no point in getting a new one or even thinking about the increasingly more complex decision of what kind to get if i may be leaving in 9-12 months. those of you who are friends with me on facebook have seen that i've gotten into crocheting quite a bit in the last 6 months. i have a whole queue of projects in mind – and even have bought yarn for some of them – but how far will i get on that list? how much will i have left and what will i do with it? should i start any of the really big projects? do i even bother getting a subscription to another of the crochet magazines when i may not be around to get? not to mention knowing that it will only add to the stuff i have to make decisions about storing/selling/taking/donating?
it's an entirely different thought process than what i'm used to. it's different from almost any normal daily-living mindset. and it's beginning to permeate all aspects of my life. when i open the fridge, i look at the extra jar of mayonnaise i somehow ended up with and think "well i may not get to using you." every single thing that comes through the door is another decision to make later. it's a small relief to buy milk because i know that won't be something i have to worry about. everything is potentially temporary.
but only potentially. i may not get accepted. it could take a long time til they find a placement for me. i have no real timeline about which to even begin imagining. it could be i need that pair of jeans and several others before i'm gone, if i get gone at all.
everything's layered with an air of uncertainty. it's not that it bothers me so much. in some ways i am enjoying the idea that i will not be buying anything new at all and will, in fact, be trying to come up with ways to get rid of stuff. i am excited about the possibility of simplifying things. i don't mind not knowing as much as i would have in the past, which is itself empowering. but it is a little strange to be in a definite holding pattern and to have no idea where i will be (emotionally, practically, physically) in the next 6 months, 9 months, one year.
for my entire life, since i was about 4 years old, i have always had a plan. always. go to school and do well, go to middle school and graduate, take the hardest classes in high school and get accepted to a good college, go to college and graduate on time with a good major, get a solid job and start a career, build that career, buy a house, save money for retirement. there was always direction and always a goal ahead of me. always something i was working towards. some sort of beacon i headed towards and some sort of outcome at the end. i've never NOT had a plan.
but i'm embracing the liberation of it all. well, i'm working on that.
but it's just a little crazy to wonder whether one should buy more olive oil.
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