but what KIND of snakes?

where could i end up?  or, if i'm going to go commune with snakes, what kind of snakes will they be?

i've had a pull toward south america since i was a kid.  it could have been because my dad was in the peace corps there before my parents got married.  or because they used spanish with each other to keep us in the dark once we learned how to spell.  no doubt the draw to spanish early on (between my parents and sesame street) led to even more interest and the certain choice of spanish over french once a foreign language was offered at school.  we even had several short-term exchange students stay with us from latin american countries.  but it feels deeper than that.  it's just something i've always felt.  that, and a feeling somehow of comfort with central/south america is what led to my choice of those regions as my preferred area for peace corps service. 

i've never felt a particular pull towards africa or asia/south-east asia, popular spots for peace corps volunteers.  i can't explain that, either.  it just doesn't hold much interest for me, and, frankly, seems even more "foreign" to me.  it makes no sense, but the idea of being in a village with no running water or electricity in south america sounds more comforting to me than the same in africa.  i don't think it's entirely a language thing.  i'm into languages and could learn whatever i needed.  is it that the culture is really that different?  most likely not, but who knows? the thing is, i'm expecting south or central american snakes.

but which KIND?  there are a huge variety of climates in those areas.  clearly there are the warm, tropical areas that we think of, especially in central america.  but there are also quite mountainous areas, and plains areas.  rocky and swampy and everything else in between.  the fact is, i don't know a thing about where i might end up, not even which country.  and i kinda would really like to know that.

my cousin Peggie tells me that things have a funny way of working out.  she went on a year-long mission to Guatemala and says that when she looks back, she sees all sorts of signs that pointed toward Guatemala even long before she knew she'd be going anywhere.  of course i don't see those signs now, but she suspects that once i end up somewhere i will remember lots of little hints that were there without me realizing them.  that would be kinda cool, don't you think?

i've always kind of liked the idea of Peru.  i don't know why.  and the first boy who ever kissed me was from Peru.  is that a sign?

ANYhow, the map below shows the countries where the peace corps currently sends volunteers in latin america.  looks like, unless i get some mountain post, i'll be looking at generally warm weather.  After living my whole life in "the cold" – and if you know me, you know how i feel about that! – that would be a nice change.

i also don't know whether i'll be in a village, a town, or a small city.  i don't even know whether being an engineer influences that.  (maybe there are more projects in small cities?  or perhaps more basic projects are needed in villages?)  fewer snakes in the city, to be sure.

my dad tells stories from Bolivia of dinner-plate-sized spiders, large enough to swerve your car and hit them.  and of snakes long enough to run them over with both wheels of the car.  (it occurs to me only just this instant that snakes won't bother me so much if i'm in a car and they are on the outside…)  but as i have no clue where i could be going, i guess the question simply comes down to "what KIND of snakes?"

two words

diet coke.

this is my helicopter

there's an old joke about a man and a flood.  he's told by the police to evacuate, but he says "god will save me."  as the waters reach his doorstep, people come by in a jeep but he refuses, again saying, "god will save me."  as the waters rise even further, a boat comes by, but again the man refuses rescue saying, "god will save me."  so on and so forth until he is standing at the very peak of his roof and cries out, "oh god, why have you forsaken me?"  and god answers, "i sent you the police, a jeep, a boat and a helicopter – what else did you want?"

whether you believe in god in its many incarnations or some sort of higher powers or the mysteries of the universe, i think most people have witnessed some sort of mystery and power at work in their lives.  even just the gift of making someone else's day a little easier brings a deep joy that makes your own day brighter.  who doesn't feel the mixture of a rush and peace after doing something that makes a difference, or something you feel called to do? 

i read something today about an athlete who said seven years ago he was sweeping floors and that you never know how god will work in your life.  it made me think of god or a higher power or the universe working in my life and how there don't seem to be a lot of opportunities for real change or real insight or real contribution as my life goes right now (and for some time).  i've felt stagnant, but more than that, i haven't seen the chance that a real hard-core change could come, even though i've felt ready for… something… for many years now.  i've felt that, short of forcing it to happen by consciously choosing to volunteer somewhere (which of course is never a bad idea) and hoping for inspiration, there wasn't really room for a calling to find me.  and shouldn't a calling be something that is strong enough to find you no matter where you are or what you are doing? 

somehow that thought process led me to thinking of the helicopter joke.  i'm not sure whether the helicopter is one that i went out and deliberately chartered on my own or if it's one that came to me as from a higher accord, but it popped into my mind today that perhaps the peace corps is my helicopter for the next stage of my life.  it is the vehicle that raises me to a different plane, where good can be done and the calling can come to me.  where a higher power can work in my life and make me a better part of the world.  it is the means to a space where the opportunities and space really exist for change.  where, indeed, there is almost nothing but opportunity and space and change and the discovery of calling.

god helps those who help themselves… or god works in mysterious ways… or ask and ye shall receive…  whatever the moral, i'm so glad to have my helicopter to kick-start things for me.

serious risks

so i had this horrifying thought the other day...

what if i end up somewhere that i can't have hot showers?

that might be a total deal-breaker.  i could seriously die from that, i'm certain.

making plans

being in limbo is a bit strange.  i don't know exactly what will happen, or when.  whether i'll be accepted, when i'll know more, what my departure timeline will be… it's all completely out there in the ether.  and the strangeness of it shows up in funny ways.  i really need some new pants for work, but how much longer will i be working here?  should i just "make do" at least until i have the interview and hopefully have a better idea of what's going on?  and what kind of clothes will i need to have for whatever peace corps job i get anyway?  i definitely need new jeans – that i don't think i can put off.  but it is reasonable to expect that when/if i go, i will lose some weight.  i mean, i'll be eating healthier foods for sure (fresh vegetables, no fast food) and probably be a whole lot more physically active.  so do i buy one pair of jeans and hold off on any others until i know more?  my cell phone is really old and out-of-date.  it's even still a "dumb" phone.  but there's no point in getting a new one or even thinking about the increasingly more complex decision of what kind to get if i may be leaving in 9-12 months.  those of you who are friends with me on facebook have seen that i've gotten into crocheting quite a bit in the last 6 months.  i have a whole queue of projects in mind – and even have bought yarn for some of them – but how far will i get on that list?  how much will i have left and what will i do with it?  should i start any of the really big projects?  do i even bother getting a subscription to another of the crochet magazines when i may not be around to get?  not to mention knowing that it will only add to the stuff i have to make decisions about storing/selling/taking/donating?

it's an entirely different thought process than what i'm used to.  it's different from almost any normal daily-living mindset.  and it's beginning to permeate all aspects of my life.  when i open the fridge, i look at the extra jar of mayonnaise i somehow ended up with and think "well i may not get to using you."  every single thing that comes through the door is another decision to make later.  it's a small relief to buy milk because i know that won't be something i have to worry about.  everything is potentially temporary.

but only potentially.  i may not get accepted.  it could take a long time til they find a placement for me.  i have no real timeline about which to even begin imagining.  it could be i need that pair of jeans and several others before i'm gone, if i get gone at all.

everything's layered with an air of uncertainty.  it's not that it bothers me so much.  in some ways i am enjoying the idea that i will not be buying anything new at all and will, in fact, be trying to come up with ways to get rid of stuff.  i am excited about the possibility of simplifying things.  i don't mind not knowing as much as i would have in the past, which is itself empowering.  but it is a little strange to be in a definite holding pattern and to have no idea where i will be (emotionally, practically, physically) in the next 6 months, 9 months, one year.

for my entire life, since i was about 4 years old, i have always had a plan.  always.  go to school and do well, go to middle school and graduate, take the hardest classes in high school and get accepted to a good college, go to college and graduate on time with a good major, get a solid job and start a career, build that career, buy a house, save money for retirement.  there was always direction and always a goal ahead of me.  always something i was working towards.  some sort of beacon i headed towards and some sort of outcome at the end.  i've never NOT had a plan.

but i'm embracing the liberation of it all.  well, i'm working on that. 

but it's just a little crazy to wonder whether one should buy more olive oil.