overwhelming

a couple weeks ago, when my nephew visited, i had occasion to go down to the basement, an area i've been avoiding for months.  you see, it's a royal mess.  no, an epic mess.  in fact, the best word to describe it would be "overwhelming."

it's still a disaster from last summer's water leak.  water came in through the walls and soaked one end of the basement, complete with mold.  (yuck!)  i lost a couple cabinets and everything was stacked in various places wherever it could fit.  and i've never gone and put it all back together.  plus i had too much stuff – and too much disorganization – even before that.  i even have some stuff from two moves ago. (yes, i am aware of the adage that if you haven't used it you don't need it.)

the thing is, in addition to monumental lack of motivation, i don't even know where to start.  there are so, so many stacks of things and boxes and bins and piles.  it seems an impossible task and i'm scared of the whole thing.

plus there's the equally disorganized (though slightly less cluttered) office to go through.

i know i have to eliminate, eliminate, eliminate (and organize).  i want less stuff, and particularly less junk, but i am the queen of keeping things.  for the sake of not embarrassing myself too horribly here, i will refrain from giving examples.  but combine sentimental with lazy and you can begin to imagine the problem.

am i really going to get rid of everything?  well i'd like to get as close as possible, but in reality i keep vacillating between "get rid of it ALL" and "well, i should keep this and this and this."  i know i'll need to have a storage unit, and there are things i really like and/or would have a tough time (or a lot of expense) replacing, not to mention things of personal value.  but if i aim to live out of two suitcases for 27 months, then i can certainly do without 90% of what i have in my house.  right? 

my plan is to start going through stuff and begin to separate "keep" and "get rid of."  but things are such a mess i don't even have a clean space to start sorting stuff, never mind separating into keep-store, keep-need-access-to, try to sell, donate, give away.  i've got to start simply with just keep and get rid of, and slowly try to get rid of as much as possible.  once i start getting rid of stuff, then i can re-evaluate what i'm "keeping" to see what else i can remove.  but this could be a full-time job for months.  and it's completely overwhelming.  if only my mother, the queen of tag sales and ebay, lived nearby to help.

so i'm hoping that posting my intentions to get started here will make me go through with it when i have some days off during the july 4^th week.

in the meantime, anyone need some office supplies?

dreams

i dreamt last night of a little girl who was running away from a bully.  they were middle schoolers and both were in football uniforms.  she was tiny, but had a little bit of size on her with the pads.  when I saw her, she was running as if for her life, trying to get away from the mean boy.  he was yelling after her something about not being able to play football with them.  i wanted to go up and grab that kid and set him right.  i was very upset by it.

a short while later i ran into the girl.  she really was tiny, but had a huge spirit.  she said that whenever there was a substitute for football or band, he and this other kid would torture the girls and run them off, and nobody did anything about it.  at that point, she looked at me hopefully and offered that anyone could volunteer from two to 16 hours of their time each week to work with the kids and help out…

huh, wonder what all of that could mean.

(of course, i also dreamt a different night that i had to sing a song up on stage by myself in order to pass peace corps training.  so much for the usual naked-in-class anxiety dreams.)

languages

the peace corps goes to 28 countries in sub-saharan africa.  and there are over 2,000 languages spoken in africa.  chances are that if i end up there, i will end up needing to learn one of the very local languages that is spoken nowhere else.  and i won’t know ahead of time, so there’s nothing i can do in advance. 

funnily enough (and i say that with a hint of sarcasm), most of the countries have either english or french as one of their official languages.  sarcastic, because if they send me to francophone africa, i will be very displeased.  the unadvertised rule of peace corps placement is that for french- or spanish-speaking countries – since so many people take those in school – you must be fluent enough (or have had advanced enough classes recently enough) to be sent to a country that speaks that language.  thus my problem with getting assigned somewhere in latin america.  so if they send me to someplace in francophone africa…

don’t let that fool you, though.  it is pretty guaranteed that there won’t be english or french speaking going on.  most of the countries have two or three or even more “official” languages and hundreds of them in actual practice.

so spanish.  a week or two ago i was ready to give up.  i listened to the cds that came with my CLEP study book, and i understood very little.  CLEP is College Level Examination Program.  the exam is 40% listening and answering, where you get ONE listen, at normal speaking speed, and 60% written questions concerning grammar and vocabulary.  at least i don’t have to speak it.  nevertheless, when i look at the grammar in the book and listen to those cds, i feel overwhelmed and fairly certain i can’t do it.  sometimes it feels so pointless and impossible, and i wonder whether it’s really worth even trying.  i don’t even know if i can possibly learn enough in time.  and with the initial timing they’ve given me (leaving in october?!!?)…  plus i had been having trouble connecting with my prospective tutor and my self-study fell by the wayside for several weeks now.

i’m ok with going to africa.  i’d rather go to latin america, but i’ve gotten my arms around the idea of africa now.  so maybe this spanish thing is stupid.  when i think about how much there is to learn… i just shake my head.

but on monday, i finally hooked up with the tutor, Maria.  i like her.  in a short period of time, she assessed where i am and was productive right away.  she clearly knows what she’s doing.  she’s going to get that same CLEP book from the library (i did offer her mine to look at) and go through it to see what’s involved.  she’s going to transcribe the two cds that come with it (!) so that after i’ve listened to the passages a few times, i’ll be able to see the words and understand the audio better.  she’s totally flexible about adjusting the lessons to more listening or whatever is required (instead of focusing primarily on speaking, which of course i need but not as desperately).  she gave me a bunch of great resources to use online, including the direction to listen to as many news videos from spanish-speaking countries as i can.  there’s another website from a guy she used to work with that has videos for many cultural situations in different countries, and you can turn on or off the written text, both in spanish and in english.  there’s also a site with interactive exercises that she uses in the classes she teaches.  we’re going to meet weekly and she’s going to bring things for me to read to her and discuss.  she’ll give me homework each time, including a topic for discussion the next time so that i can look up vocabulary and be prepared, and of course i need to continue the grammar study on my own.  i was able to have a halting conversation with her which was VERY rudimentary and frequently with german words thrown in by accident, but i understood pretty much everything she said to me.  and best of all, she thinks i can do it in time!

i was quite surprised at how much work she is willing to put into this, especially on her own time.  and the assessment and interest in knowing details about the CLEP is exactly what i had hoped for.  looks like it’s going to be worth the price.  and my motivation is back.  just maybe I can do this afterall.

another tidbit:  the swearing-in ceremony, after your three months of training, requires you to give a SPEECH in your new language.  holy linguistics, batman!

paperwork

well the dental forms are all done!  that one wasn’t even bad (minus the two bits of work i had to get done). 

then there’s the medical forms.  i have a 37 page deck of paper to give to my primary care physician.  how do you think she’s going to feel about that?  now about half of those pages are explanations or backup info to help her fill out the forms.  but i’m afraid to even give it to her.  maybe i should hide it behind my back and first tell her that i’m having an awful anxiety attack, then show her why.

why oh why did i ever admit to half the stuff i did?  oh yeah, full disclosure and honesty.  but filling out a two page form because i have shoe inserts?  and are shoe inserts technically orthotics?  they cost me enough (not covered by insurance) to count as something, i suppose.

gotta get the vision form filled out.  i hope they have all the right info from my exam and don’t have to do something additional.

then there’s another smaller packet of forms i had to send off to a specialist.  hopefully that won’t take too much hoop-jumping.

oh, but there’s still the big rub:  sleep issues.  among all those forms, they didn’t send me anything concerning sleep conditions.  but i know i’ll have a bunch more paperwork when that gets revealed.  or at least i hope i do, because the alternative is ugly.  they don’t like people with sleep apnea.  it’s considered a condition for which most people are disqualified from service.  and having a CPAP makes placement even more difficult, if not impossible.  (after all, how many places with reliable, consistent electricity actually need the peace corps?)  so i somehow have to convince them that i don’t need the CPAP and that the apnea does not interfere with my life, which may be medically impossible to get by.  (the ultimate irony is that the CPAP doesn’t even help!  and none of my sleep problems have been resolved.)  one saving grace is that i have an appointment with a sleep neurologist, so when they finally send me forms, i can get a specialist to fill it out.  maybe i only need to convince that doctor that i don’t need the CPAP for peace corps purposes.  that appointment, however, which i made about a month ago, isn’t until august 30^th.  i guess they figure that if you have to wait over 3 months to get in to see the doctor, you will have slept sooner or later along the way.

the next official step -- medical

we've now arrived at the next official step – and the longest part – of the peace corps application process:  the medical review.

i got a huge packet in the mail the other day, filled with forms and instructions.  the application had a set of initial medical screening questions which drove a bunch of other forms being required.  in addition to the regular 5-page form that requires all manner of clinical exams, blood tests, immunizations, hearing tests, vision tests, family history, health inventory, lab tests, mammogram, general physical measures, etc., i now have an ADDITIONAL 26 pages to have processed!  they also want 4 additional specialist exams and a couple detailed personal statements.

ugh.

i was stupid enough to take them literally when they said to be totally honest and up front about any issues you may have.  for example, i checked the box that asked about issues with kneeling, squatting or sitting cross-legged for periods of time.  hello?  i'm 42.  i played sports for years.  point to anyone like that who *doesn't* have knee pain when squatting.  now they want a formal diagnosis, severity and treatment plan for "kneeling, squatting or sitting cross-legged causes shortness of breath and leg, joint, muscle or chest pain."  wait, there's no shortness of breath or chest pain or anything like that at all.  should i have answered that question differently?

they want to know every last detail about environmental allergens.  isn't everybody allergic in some way, shape or form to dust or mold or pollen or grasses or animal dander?  or heartburn – they want a "report of imaging studies (upper GI, ultrasound, abdominal CT, colonoscopy, or any other imaging studies used to make diagnosis) … CBC, TSH, sedimentation rate … detailed personal statement about symptom management."  i wear shoe inserts that i got made specifically for my feet by a doctor, so now i need forms filled out by an orthopedist or podiatrist for my "orthotics," including the etiology (cause) – bad feet maybe? – and the name, care and restrictions of the orthotic "device," as well as copies of pertinent diagnostic test reports.

some of this stuff is from many, many years ago.  i made the mistake of admitting to having a minor arthroscopic knee surgery 13 years ago.  now they want detailed diagnosis, etiology, diagnostic test results and operative reports.  just one problem:  i had the surgery in germany.  in german.  even if i could remember the name of the doctor/practice where it was done (i can't), what's the likelihood of them having the detailed records and sending them to me?  and then, who exactly is going to translate messy doctor's abbreviations for medical terms into something coherent in english?  all i know is they "cleaned it up inside."  i never could get any better explanation than that.

and you can hardly imagine the paperwork and details needed for having depression.

wanna take bets on how much my doctor will charge to fill out that much paperwork?  stay tuned for dental adventures (4 pages of documents plus full mouth/panoramic x-rays required), and don't even ask about the eye exam and glasses (to the tune of $690)!

weekend with my nephew

i had my nephew, Alec, visiting last weekend.  we had a blast!  went to a tigers vs. red sox game (which of course he loved because his beloved red sox won), the zoo, a mud hens game, the arboretum, etc.  i had even more planned, but once he discovered all the games in the basement (and the willingness of my other house guests to play with him), that's mostly what he wanted to do above all else.

i can't remember whether i mentioned the pool table or how it came up, but as soon as Alec learned there was a pool table, foosball, air hockey, ping pong and darts downstairs, he was hooked.  said he wanted to live in my basement forever.  between pool and chicken tracks, we never even got to all the board games or ping pong. 

his visit prompted a few thoughts along the way for me.  first, i started thinking "am i sure i want to leave all this?"  all this opportunity to host people, and i hardly have anyone over.  if i ever want to in my future life (presumably without so much "stuff"), i might look back on these past years as wasting the chance to really have folks over and play.  i've accomplished and accumulated a lot over the years.  so much of it i probably wouldn't buy, now in a different kind of mindset.  will i miss this part of my life when everything changes?

i also had to think, of course, about all the "stuff."  conspicuous consumption, one could say.  i was never much of a spender.  i've saved money from my very first paycheck and i don't buy a lot of "things."  i don't spend much money on myself at all, but in the course of 20-plus years, i have accumulated some stuff.  like the pool table and air hockey/foosball table and the library shelves upstairs that are so beautiful and that i always wanted.  now it seems to add up to a lot.  i vacillate between selling it all, down to nothing, and keeping some of it, with "some" being a constantly changing variable.  i don't know that i'll ever get to this level of stuff again, for a variety of reasons.  i've had it, but don't really need it.  i expect to get down to living much more simply and staying that way, at least mostly.  and i don't expect i'll ever have as much discretionary income again once i leave this job.  that's certainly not a bad thing, but it gives me a real mixture of feelings as i look around and realize i have to decide what to do with each and every thing.

the other thing that came to mind with Alec's visit is the reality of moving away.  he kept saying he wanted to come back and visit and wanted to get his parents to bring him and his sister here for a visit.  i went along with it, of course.  i would love for him and them to visit, but the reality is that, unless something happens in the next couple months, that chance will have passed.  once the whole peace corps thing gets into full swing, there will be no more visits and ultimately no more house in michigan.  not only will the house and things be gone, but i will be gone.  and i don't know whether i'll be back here, or somewhere else.  it was strange to go along with his visions of visiting again when i knew it might all be different before he gets that chance.

it was a great visit and we had a blast.  he ate junk and drank soda the whole time, we played games and saw sights and hiked, and basically did whatever a 14-year-old wanted to do while he was here.  there will undoubtedly be other exciting times and visits.  just not here, in these circumstances.